My weight is currently floating about somewhere in the middle.
I’ve always had a ridiculously unhealthy relationship with food. Since I was about 6 my parents have been calling me fat (and it’s not like I was one of those kids who was overweight. if anything… not to toot my own horn, I was a perfect kid. Active, thin, happy! Not for long.) By the time I was 10 I had already gone through the Slim Fast diet. Me and my mom did it together and I remember always having the craziest will power. I lost 26lbs and got down to 72 pounds which for my age and height was very healthy. I soon gained it all back and then some. Looking back, I have never been happy with my body. My mind is always clouded with thoughts of how I look and feel and how the people around me are perceiving me. All the while, I am still maybe the happiest person I know. Ridiculously positive and optimistic. I can poke fun at my self as a defense mechanism, but all the while my brain works in a very healthy way, knowing at the back of my mind that everyday is a step closer and that this time, i’ll do it right, and I’ll make it last. Because this is no longer about me and my relationship with food, this is about my life.
I graduated highschool in 2008 and me and my boyfriend at the time started working out everyday. I remember I would run on the treadmill 1 and a half minutes at a time because my lungs and my body just couldn’t handle anymore. I’m not sure what made me stick with it, because everyday was just such a struggle. The second I felt improvement, I was motivated for a lifetime. I started being able to run 2 minutes, then 6 minutes, then 9 minutes, then during 3 whole songs on my ipod, and gradually getting up to my 43 minutes run. Then I got bored, I started doing sprints, upping the incline, upping the speed. I was a cardio machine! Never have I felt so good! Weight was at a steady 140 but I didn’t even care anymore.. I was euphoric.
and that’s that. I think the day you stop caring about the number, and start FEELING the difference is when you really change. Of course, fitting into clothes nicely and having boys notice me a bit more was a good feeling. But I wouldnt miss a workout just to to go on a date and I wouldnt agree to fastfood just because my friends were keen. I was my own person and no one was going to stand in my way. I even did the Sun Run in downtown vancouver which is a 10km marathon. 1:02 was my time. Such a good day! Typing this out, I just feel a wave of excitement wash over me.
Currently… things are a little different. At the beginning of 2010, I left for 10 months and went to Australia. I didnt have the money or even the means to get to a gym. I was in and out of towns on a whim and was lucky if I ever had a kitchen to cook in. Since going away, I have gained nearly 30lbs. I’m disgusted with myself! But of course, first day home and I’m back at the gym hard. For now, I am more keen to SEE improvement than feel it. But I’m looking forward to the day that I’m thinking more about the speed of the treadmill than the speed at which the number on the scale is dropping. I know perfectly well that I am sabotaging myself though! FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING IT!!! I can’t get back to the healthy diet 100%. I make all my meals really healthy, but then I get bored and munch on junk food ughhhhh need to get control on that.
I’m sure no one will read this. I just loved writing it out. It seriously makes me feel so good! Knowing that I was once in such great control, and was once literally at that perfect place that everyone strives to find. If anyone needs advice, DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK! I’ve been in and out of this lifestyle for a couple years now and you wouldn’t believe the shit I’ve learned :)
Good luck xx